On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
the three branches of government
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.