CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny