NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.