Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Thoughts
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
What if all the cashiers are married?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.