I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
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Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!