Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me trying to “trust the process”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
my mom making me talk to relatives
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.