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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport