Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
You Might Also Like
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.