My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
You Might Also Like
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Van Gone
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you