WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.