Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
For the ones in the back.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Self-cleaning conscience
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
mariah carrie
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.