Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get