Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
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Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
(by @ZachWeiner )
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me