omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 馃ズ
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I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Humans shouldn鈥檛 come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
i don鈥檛 know what i鈥檓 going to be for halloween so i鈥檓 probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I鈥檇 stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn鈥檛 pay kids.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 馃檪
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that鈥檚 so great
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
馃槀馃槀
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.