If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My kitchen overserved me.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.