*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.