Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.