Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
The pasta is now
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
#Caturday
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”