Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Perfect
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.