Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
How do you milk an almond?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
This was the best day of my life
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.