I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!