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I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
We’ve come full circle
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Breaking news:
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good