FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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meanwhile over on facebook
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
relationship goals
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.