Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
i can’t wait that long
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”