Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Does this dress make me look cat?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude