Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Look at this
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.