wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
mood
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that