Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.