[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.