The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated