[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.