How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I’ll be mad as hell!
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
O Wise One….
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?