Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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That 👊
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
bury ourselves
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*