Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.