If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Sharon I have some bad news
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?