I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad