Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Ok but actually
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Plant care tips
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.