Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
WHY would you be happy about this?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB