Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Reporter: *ports again*
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid