You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*