ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
wtf is a larm clock?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?