I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”