My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.