I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12