You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“HELP WITH CAT”
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
When he asks for feet pics
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.