“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
me when I see my crush
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Always a metermaid never a meter
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.