Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I am crying
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes