Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.