My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
guys I’m going home
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Monday?
No. Next question.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.