me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Stop sending me this shit.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
🤣✨#caturday
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*orders delivery*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!